Storytime!

My husband and I went out for a bike ride this evening. We picked up some Subways and rode over to a nearby park to eat at a shaded picnic table. We were watching kids playing on the playground and talking about various things, when a lone woman j-walked across the street and sat down in a swing about 5 feet away from us. We didn’t think much of it and kept talking and eating. After a few minutes, I noticed that kids and parents in adjacent swings were heading for other corners of the playground.

The lady hollered out, “NO KIDS HUH?”

“I DON’T HAVE ANY KIDS EITHER AND I COME HERE ALL THE TIME!”

Then she launched into a LOUD conversation (well… I didn’t say anything… does it still count as a conversation?) about how TV news lies to us about the war and tries to scare us, and how she knows some commanding officer’s wife, and SHE told her the truth about what’s going on in the war, and how our country is going to heck. And then…

“WHAT COUNTRY ARE WE LIVING IN?”

I thought this was a rhetorical question, and smiled and nodded as if I agreed with her.

“NO, I’M SERIOUS! WHAT COUNTRY ARE WE LIVING IN?”

I could see that I was supposed to answer. Was this a trick question? Hesitantly I replied, “The United States of America?”

“YES, THAT’S RIGHT. NONE OF THAT AMERICA CRAP. I ASK HUNDREDS OF KIDS THAT SAME QUESTION AND MOST OF THEM SAY AMERICA.” She says the word “America” with such disdain and makes a hillarious face. “WHERE DO THEY GET THAT FROM!? IT’S THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE COUNTRY IS CALLED.” She pauses. “HOW OLD ARE YOU?”

I replied. I should have not said anything, rolled up my sub and walked away. She got up and sat down at the table with us. My husband gave me a helpless smile. We’re too damn polite. She was covered in sweat, her short hair plastered to her head, she had a washcloth draped around her neck.

“WELL I’M 50. I’M SO HOT WITH MENOPAUSE AND EVERYTHING.” (referring to her sweaty condition) “I LIVE OVER THERE.” (pointing to some houses across the street)

I’ll spare you the agony of the next 15 minutes and paraphrase the rest of the “conversation”. She talked on and on as we ate. I couldn’t have gotten a word in edge-wise if I had wanted to.

• She smokes, loves cigars, she thinks smoking some brand of “all natural” cigarettes makes her “damn migraines” go away. She is appalled about the smoking ban in restaurants and says that’s why all the restaurants are closing. It’s a free country and if she wants to smoke in a restaurant, everyone should get out of her way.
• She knows Paul Someone-or-other (also living across the street, evidently running for some sort of office), and is going to vote for him in the next election. She knows he agrees with her position and is going to help her open up some restaurants for smokers.
• She says Barack Obama is going to win for President, but he’s too young and doesn’t have enough experience. That’s why Hillary would be better. Hillary should be President and Barack, Vice-President.
• She says “this recycling thing” is a bunch of crap. She says we ship the stuff over to China and then buy it back, and we waste more money on recycling than we save by doing it.
• She says people are too dependent on plastic (I sheepishly take a swig out of my bottle of Coke), and everyone should carry around their own cups. If people stop buying things in plastic, “they” won’t make as much.
• Food has too many chemicals and preservatives. She can taste when there’s something bad in food, and she only eats natural food. She knows someone who runs a restaurant and his wife can taste preservatives in food, and so they only serve food she says is okay.
• She says that she walks around the east side of the nearby lake every morning, thinking and saying prayers. She said for the last few weeks there have been dead fish washing up on the shore. This morning there was 137 dead fish. She “got” two huge northern pike (motioning as to their hugeness with her hands). She took them home and put them in her freezer. They were still smelly, the eyes were already whitened over… (I tried so hard not to make a funny face at this, but she could tell I thought that was strange, and she laughed a little and waved her hands as if a bit embarassed). She also found a huge carp and it weighed 50 pounds.
• She called the DNR about the fish deaths and they said it was due to the extreme temperature changes. She thinks that’s crap and it’s really due to toxins from nearby road construction. She thinks “they” take too much money from us in taxes and waste it on road construction, and they should just “fill the holes and be done with it”. She used to live on a farm and that was the way road construction was done out there.

She got up and took a step as if she were going to walk away at this point, saying that she was sorry to bother us for so long… She sat back down and continued on…

• She also thinks “they” take too much money for Social Security and they don’t actually give all the money to Social Security recipients. She’s old and she isn’t going to see any of that money.

She got up as if to leave again, saying sorry that she’s taken so much of our time… She put her foot on the bench and continued on…

• She asked me how old I was again, and I answered politely. She said again that she asks hundreds of kids and they all say America. She says that “we’re” going to get Paul What’s-his-face elected in and we’re going to make some changes.

“WELL, I’LL LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE NOW.” She turned and started walking away. She turned back and abruptly said “GOOD BYE!”

My husband and I smiled at each other, simultaneously stood up, picked up our trash, and walked briskly towards our bikes. We rode away quickly.